The fresh crisp air on a chilly fall morning. The amount of puppies my hands have pet. The early sunrise or late sunset so beautifully painted in the sky. The smell of fresh flowers. Where the ocean and the mountains meet. Oh the sound of kids sweet laughter that has filled these ears. The babies these arms have held and the comfort a soft blanket brought me. The first snow fall or when the sun finally comes out after weeks filled with darkness. The hugs that have warmed my soul. The conversations I’ve had. The strangers that became friends. Music that has touched my heart. Causes that have brought fire into my soul. The problem isn’t that I take for granted all these simple treasures. Or that it’s easy to leave all these things behind. I mean how could I possibly want to leave a world where I’ve laughed till my stomach hurt, where I’ve had kids run into my arms and danced to my favorite singer? I don’t know. I just know that the pain outweighs any good thing to the point I forget that these good things once existed. The pain drains the laughter out of me. It took the glimmer from my eyes and the fire from my soul. It broke me. The pain makes me believe that I’ll never experience pure happiness ever again and my only option is to leave the world that once gave me joy because now all it gives me is hurt. And this hurt is a pain like nothing else. It fills every inch of my body and I can’t move. I can’t run. I’m stuck. I can’t smile. I can’t laugh. And sometimes I can’t even cry. It’s like I’ve been electrocuted by pain. I feel it run through my veins. It’s as if nothing existed before this never ending, gut wrenching, soul crushing pain and I can’t remember what happiness feels like. I lie here motionless. It’s as if I’m already dead.